Battleship

12, 2012, Directed by Peter Berg
Starring: Taylor Kitsch, Brooklyn Decker, Rihanna, Liam Neeson

When a film is promoted as coming from ‘the same company that brought you Transformers’, there is good reason to be wary. Hasbro is that company, and their latest money-making venture (c’mon, why else would they promote it that way?!) is a film version of the love-it-or-hate-it game Battleships, as seen by Friday Night Light’s creator and Hancock director, Peter Berg.

The film takes an early misstep with Berg making the fatal error of painting his world and the worn out characters that fill it as loveable comedic buffoons, even going as far as to include the Pink Panther theme as part of the soundtrack to enhance the hilarity of an extraordinarily bizarre opening segment to what is promised to be an effects-driven action flick. The error be fatal due to the attempted veer in the direction of seriousness when the alien life forms that prove trouble for our navy fleet make one hell of a splash on earth. Taking these characters seriously proves troublesome in itself, hindered even more so by the dialogue (written by brother’s Eric and Jon Hoeber) that is so disastrously clunky, it could sink ships no matter what battle was thrown its way (perhaps this was realised, leading to an exchange where a scientist responds to a certain patriotic line by quipping 'who says that?'). All the acting talent do their best with what they have, which happens to be not a lot. Lead Taylor Kitsch as Hopper manages to escape without being as unlikeable as he should be – kudos to him.

It is fearful that everybody involved feels that they are involved in something of a game-changer; a blockbuster to rival rich vigilantes, men dressed in black and those Avengers. Okay, so the entire affair is not an unbearable one, with Berg proving he can capture impressively crafted effects-driven action that the most uninterested person wouldn’t roll their eyes at, as well as a few (read very few) scenes of promise (not to mention an out-there scene where the fleet adopt the actual rules of the game Battleships in an attempt to save the world... and you know, justify the film.) But everything else is too lacklustre to make it count; not even Neeson can salvage this. At 131 minutes, fit with sentimental sub-plots and people quipping snappy lines before blowing things up, the game here needs to be drastically raised if it wants to rub shoulders with the big dogs.

But if mindless, unrewarding mayhem is what you’re searching for - or you just fancy seeing Rihanna fire some heavy artillery - watch Battleship on repeat. 

1.5/5

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Thor

2011, 12, Directed by Kenneth Branagh

Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Tom Hiddleston, Natalie Portman, Anthony Hopkins

If there’s one filmic concoction you never expected to see, it’s pretty certain that Thor as seen by Kenneth Branagh was up there. You won’t be surprised to know that the resident Shakespearean thesp wasn’t Marvel’s first choice for the gig (Matthew Vaughn currently too busy with X Men: First Class), but an odd decision that makes for curious viewing. One of many ongoing vehicles for next year’s massive mash-up The Avengers, Thor was always going to be the toughest hero to handle: he is, after all, the Norse God of thunder. But handle it Branagh does… and with panache too. Opening with Thor’s entrance to Earth witnessed by astrophysicist Natalie Portman and her team (Stellan Skarsgård and something of a show stealer, Kat Dennings), we are then shown an extended pre-cursor to events on Asgard in which the gap is filled – and for a classic comic character, there is a long gap. Asgard itself puts the Marvel into marvellous; to describe it here would not do the landscape justice, but the scope of it is something else. Branagh succeeds in completely immersing you into what unfolds onscreen, so much that when the film flits back to Earth, Thor feels like a completely different film altogether.

Chris Hemsworth (notable for a cameo in 2009s Star Trek) plays the cape-wearing hammer-thrower deprived of his powers very well indeed. Spitting lines that bear serious meaning on his own turf but provide heavy laughs on Earth is an impressive feat emphasised by the support around him. However, the ‘stranger from a strange land’ gimmicks which involve the mighty one marching into a pet store to request a horse do wear thin. Which is where Thor is let down: through the hammering across of moments that work best. Granted, the story is lifted from a comic book, but this fails to prevent the plot twist of the jealous brother hungry for power (an unfortunately weighed down Tom Hiddleston) causing the eye to roll every so often. The key was not to take itself too seriously creating something of a double-edged sword (or hammer) for Branagh to attempt to dodge tonally. There is fun to be had though: the action is surprisingly not clunky, with the dialogue being just that – somehow adding to proceedings.  Similarly, everything manages to be tied up in a neat manner with the hero thankfully not outstaying his welcome; just as well seeing as we’ll be paying ole’ Thor a visit, albeit with company, next summer.

3/5



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